Helicopter Mum

Confessions of a Free Bird Turned into a Helicopter Mum

By Carolyne Destiny 

I grew as free as a bird in a large extended family. We played everywhere, had no real boundaries, and sometimes ate wherever lunchtime found us. We climbed trees and fell off the trees. We climbed roofs and fell off roofs. One day my skirt was held by a nail just as I was about to jump and I was suspended mid-air for a mini -minute before the fabric gave way and I fell flat on my tummy. With my last breath, I called my sister in gibberish and we have always laughed about it.

We played a lot. The young ones just followed the older ones and went wherever they went. This included ‘fishing’ at the river at the foot of our forest. We excitedly brought home our catch and put it inside a glass jar on top of the cabinet in the living room. My mum who knew better would throw them out into the flower garden, ‘accusing’ us of bringing frogs into her house. I would watch as they wiggled to their death, heartbroken. They were tadpoles! Eww

Now, shall I tell you how we got down the hill? Yes, we were those kids you see memes of and wonder where they grew up. We would sit on our cars which were hewed from Jeri cans and slide downhill for about ten minutes. The descent would be well accelerated by blue gum tree leaves that carpeted the path making it very slidey. The adrenaline mixed with the fear of the inevitable fall at the bottom of the hill made us scream all the way.  Those days, Safari Rally icon Patrick Njiru was our hero and so we drove whatever he drove. What did he drive? Now that I think about it, our cars were called Malboro or other big sponsors.

Ours was a life of adventure, we were silly and fearless and pushed our lack several times. The worst I remember was walking across a dam full of water covered with broken rotting wood. None of us knew how to swim. The dam was full of giant crabs. Looking back, I shudder! I know God kept us.

Many years later, I entered parenthood. First-time moms are the most fascinating people you will ever meet. From enriching doctor’s bank accounts with many unnecessary visits, sanitizing anyone who comes close to just not having a life of their own, first-time mums are fun to watch. When it was my turn, while I grew up free, I could not extend the same to my son, not with all the ‘what ifs that flooded my mind. And so, I overprotected him, over parented him and just made sure no one ever hurt him. I knew where he was all the time…and that it was totally safe. I fired nannies round the clock for what I now know were petty issues. I wrote letters to his kindergarten principle because my son was uncomfortable in the school bus among other small things. I bought him everything he needed and did not need even when I could not afford it. I remember picking a remote-controlled toy car that was half my salary at the time. It was a military jeep complete with sirens and lights and moved with such power. I returned it to the shop the following day and lied that he didn’t like it. Otherwise, we were going to stay in his jeep since rent wouldn’t be paid.

 I was not an exceptional parent, far from it. I was just an overprotective parent. That was how I knew to love, by making sure he is unhurt and always happy. I was a perfect definition of helicopter mum!

Nothing good comes out of helicoptering our kids. In fact, there are many negative results when we over parent and overprotect our bundles of joy. With two more kids, I still can’t claim that I don’t helicopter, just a little for ‘safety sake’J, but am not where I used to be. I am more adventurous, liberal and playful. I thank God for my husband who intervened before I completely ruined a life. He is adventurous and fearless and reminds me of my childhood. I guess it’s a good balance.

Overprotected kids struggle to form relationships – When a helicopter parent ‘settles’ every score for their child in the sandpit or at home the child is unable to grow friendships. Other kids will stay away from him or her for fear of their parents. Problem-solving is a very important life skill. Kids need to learn how to negotiate and also when to walk away. But when we always speak for them (and I know there are issues such as bullying that call for intervention) they never learn to stand up for themselves and settle issues.

Overprotected kids struggle to take care of themselves – When we over parent and do everything for our kids, we are failing them in life. I like the saying, ‘we are not raising kids but adults (of the future)’, that future is never far off. Kids need to be prepared for it, otherwise, they will have to pay someone to do everything for them. Sadly, kids who can’t do much for themselves, no matter how smart they are in academics or good in sports end up suffering low self-esteem. If Self-esteem is - the experience of being competent to cope with the challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.  I see how not being able to do a personal minor chore can interfere with how one thinks of themselves.  Taking care of oneself at a basic level is a self-esteem booster

Overprotected kids are not ready to face the world - When we keep our kids in a bubble that completely shelters them from disappointments, we are setting them up for failure and disillusionment. While we shouldn’t manufacture disappointments so as to teach our kids the lesson, we can use normal any day frustrations such as lunch being late, failure in class or sports, friends standing them up and the like. If we protect them from such, they will go into life thinking its all sunshine and unicorns. Well it’s not, there are bumps too. They will be deeply hurt because they won’t have the capacity for disappointments.

While my we were raised by great responsible parents and even strict, they seemed to have a free bone too and so did not overprotect us. Clearly, we were not always safe, but the payoff was a really adventurous and enjoyable childhood.

How was your childhood like? Were your parents over protective?

What kind of parent are you today?