Parenting Goofs Anyone?

Common Mistakes Moms Make When Raising Sons

By Carolyne Destiny 

Parenting is a journey filled with lessons, challenges, and adventure at every turn. Sometimes we think we have it figured out, only to realize how far off the mark we are. Other times we get it right and don’t even realize it. It does not help that most parents have to learn on the job and so, parenting goofs are almost inevitable. If you are raising sons, here are my top four goofs and tips to consider.

Being Overly Strong and Protective.

This wasn’t a myth then, and it isn’t a myth now - the strong mom syndrome is a real problem that can easily cripple a son for life. It is characterized by an extremely overprotective and overly-cautious mom who always speaks and stands for her child. The strong mom over parents and does not give the son opportunities to take up age-appropriate responsibilities or problem solve. She shields him from hurt and pain and deals with anyone who dares cross her son. She is the kind that fires nannies round the clock for petty reasons.

Tip – Sometimes, this mom may have valid reasons to be this kind of mom, other times it’s just her upbringing or temperament. Whatever the case, if you are one, you will need to tone it down for the sake of your son’s future. Allow your son to make decisions, explore and learn. Step back and give him room to develop a sense of independence and initiative. Even when they are learning to walk, most moms have a hard time watching their kids fall, never mind on a heavily carpeted floor. Allow your son to fail, get up and try again. As he matures, he will apply the same in life and be readier for the real un-carpeted world.

Allowing Fear to stand in the way of his growth

From a young age, a boy’s natural instinct is ‘help’ mom. Usually, it starts as a fantasy where they are superheroes whose main goal is to save and protect their mom. As they grow older and leave capes and fantasy worlds, they begin looking for things mum needs to be fixed, just like dads would. Sometimes, moms stand in the way of this noble gesture due to fear of the unknown - what if he gets hurt, what if he falls? This voice grows louder and louder until the son backs off, sadly having been denied the satisfaction that comes with work.

Tip: A boy’s biggest sense of pride and fulfillment is accomplishing something great. It’s a male thing, to fix things, handle things and get things done. Provide as many opportunities for your son to ‘fix’ things as you can. Let him watch as a dad or other men fix things – as an apprentice. With guidance, he will do things that you wouldn’t expect him too, and his future self needs this.

Missing Out on Mom – Son Time

When they are young, little boys spend a lot of time tagging on their mom's skirts as they drive cars and load up the dump track. As they grow older and become more independent, mom begins to fade in the background. However, this does not mean that boys and moms are now done; to develop a good relationship with the son as he enters preteen and teen years, moms need to spend time with them. You would be surprised that most sons look forward to it (it’s an opportunity to show mom what they can do). Open yourself to it, before too long, their teen friends will take center stage.

Tip – The work-life balance has been a hard one to achieve for many parents. Most come home from work exhausted and can’t wait to crush into the nearest couch. As a result, less time is spent with kids. Despite this, be intentional about family time. Moms need to re-enter their son’s world and play some video games or whatever games they enjoy. Learn his world and every so often, dare step inside. This is important for him.

 Keeping Him in a Bubble

Mothers are said to appeal to the soft side of their sons, teaching them compassion and tenderness. Dads or father figures naturally teach boys to be courageous, strong and independent. Many moms just want their sons all safe and nicely tucked in, is that too much to ask? Yes, it is!

As babies, there may not be any difference in raising boys to raising girls, but as they grow, the differences and world views change drastically. Boys will naturally push the boundaries – they will see places in your backyard to climb that you had never seen, they will want to carry heavier stuff, catch and kills something, want to get dirtier, ride faster and run faster. And it sometimes all feels dangerous. I can hear your tummy rumbling with fear as he jumps off some high structure. But boys, they say will always be boys, comparing their muscle and their knack for ‘taking a ride on the wild side’. They need adventure, competition, and strategy. They need to build capacity for pain, disappointments, and challenges. And this is how it’s done. It never easy, but it’s necessary.

Tip – A scene in the movie Sparta 300 comes to mind. Young boys would be initiated into ‘manhood’ by sending them into the wild to fight for their lives. The boys would either freeze to death, die of hunger or be ravaged by some wild steel- teethed creature. The strong and strategic would survive and the greatest achievement would be taking home the head of the predator that sought to kill them. Well, they may not need to go into the wild, at least not now, but the games they play (and the ones that make our tummies twists) may be necessary for life. Allow dad or father figures to get them out of the bubble and into the world.

What fears do you have as you raise boys?

How do you deal with them?